I. My first. My first date, my first kiss, my first love. It was a good start but we were in different stages in life, plus there was a bit of family drama in his side which lead to the inevitable break up.

II. Well, this one was what my friends would jokingly call my true love, and I woudn't disagree. This was the person I have invested in the most. For a time, he became my "if I only have one friend left, I want it to be you" kind of friend. I liked the way we talked; he made me laugh, and I amused him as well. Each day was not complete if I hadn't interacted with him in some way, be it in person, yahoo messenger (RIP), or text. Lots of kiligmoments during that time, but these moments were only that; nothing progressed because I was waiting for him to initiate the talk. He sent some confusing messages and I confessed, and when I did and it became clear this wasn't going anywhere, I slowly faded out. Turns out he's in another orientation, the joke's on me. Lots of good memories, though; I do not regret this one. 

III.  First talked to him in a forum, and met up in a volunteering event. God this guy. He is the epitome of staggeringly handsome; when I first saw him I was completely disarmed. I did not expect him to look that freaking good! And he was tall, and well-built, and had a surfer's body. He was outgoing and fun and gave me a memorable moment when he unexpecteldy lay down next to me on the beach and looked at the stars. He floored me with his manners and in our brief moment together, I think that's what I liked most about him - how he was kind to everyone. He inspired me to always be grateful and graceful. We didn't really click as people (and I think he's gay as well the hell is wrong with me), since I was just too starstruck with how handsome he is, but he's a good fellow and I wonder how he's doing and I'd love to see him again and catch up. He's a person I admire.
IV.   It has been about a year without me having a serious crush on anyone when I met this guy. He is, on paper, a perfect match for me. Outdoorsy, tall, ruggedly handsome, damn smart and friendly. His street smartness and skills makes me feel safe. Plus, we live near each other so perfect logistics! Alas, I placed him on a pedestal and deemed myself unworthy, so I clammed up whenever I talk to him, and failed every opportunity to be closer to him, or at least show interest. I harbored this extreme crush for almost a year and he would never know, because it's practically irrelevant now. I am more comfortable with him now, probably because I don't feel anything for him anymore, since he's been replaced by a bigger, more realistic (until it wasn't), crush. I still like him as a person but I also realize that we wouldn't work as a couple; he would be too bibo for me I think, and I would probably disappoint him with my underachieverness.

V. This one I really didn't expect; he kinda grew on me until one day the sexual tension got so intense I had to do something, so I initiated and got carried away. It is something I regret now, but at that moment, I enjoyed it. What followed was a couple of months of extreme confusion because seas separate us, and I was extremely clueless where I should place myself in his life. I was excited every time I got a message, but the confusion was excruciating - whether to message him back, what to say, how to keep a conversation going when he's really not giving me anything. It was horrible and I do not want to be in that situation ever again. We are in good, civil terms though, and now it's just a memory that's detached from me.

VI. This one I thought had real potential; he seemed interested and I had a rapport with him that I have not felt since number II. Every time I see him I think there might be something, but there's a person in his life he's really close to. One day I muster up the courage to finally ask him if they're together, and got the confirmation that made me both relieved and heartbroken. Relieved because I found the clarity I want and had been delaying and ignoring for the longest time, and hearbroken because, well, I had already fantasized about being a couple - the things I want to do for him, and with him. General rule, self: If he is not asking you out, he is not interested! Get the fuck over it. This one's a pipe dream. 

So there's that, and that leaves me with no one this valentine's day, which is sucky as hell but I know it's my fault because I haven't been active anyway. The best thing to do is treat it like any other day, acknowledge its existence but, like the years before, just shrug it off and carry on.

Posted by chronicwind on February 11, 2014 at 10:58 PM | 1 caught a feather
Login to your account to post comment

You are not logged into your Tabulas account. Please login.

Comment posted on February 11th, 2014 at 11:07 PM
Good things come to those who wait.