We still talk. He insisted on it actually, gusto ko sana siya i no contact pero narealize ko di ko rin pala kaya. In fairness siya lang di ko kinaya. Mega bongga iyak ako nun thinking na never na siya magmemessage if i dont message first, pero siya rin naman tong nagiinitiate at may mga hint of landi pa, so patol naman ako. I find it comforting actually, na we still talk. Bahala na si future self ko magdeal with the pain pag nawala na ang communication nang tuluyan...

At this point im so scared I'll end up being alone. Gusto ko ng pamilya tbh. Pero ayoko maging single mom (nothing abt single moms, ang galing galing nyo) huhu gusto ko may katulong ako sa pagpapalaki ng bata, at gusto ko rin talaga ng makakasama sa kama at pagbubuhusan ng pagmamahal (na pisikal hahahaha) haay. Ive never been terrified of singlehood like this, i guess siguro papalapit na talaga ko sa 30s and eto na naman, saan ba kasi hahanap ng parang siya but local? Or magmove na nga lang kasi kaya ako dun? I really need a shake up in my life din naman... but then naiisip ko what if gusto ko lang siya kasi ayokong maging mag isa? Yung for the sake nalang na meron akong makasama period. I mean, i like this guy. A lot. A whole damn lot. But. Feeling ko ayoko siya i-let go kasi ifface ko nanaman yung reality na i'm super alone again and have to go through all that dating stuff and theres comfort if nanjan siya (even if 11000 kilometers away..), i wouldnt have to face the reality so soon. But this is not sustainable, i know. Im probably just making it harder for my future self. 

I can sense na nagddwindle na rin interest niya. We have just been talking through measenger ever since we parted, di pa kami nagvideo chat at all. Well its not really our thing naman, pero wala na rin naman naginitiate. Hintayin ko lang birthday nya, i want to make him happy in a way sa birthday niya. And then lets see. I should enforce the no contact na talaga. To myself. Kanina naginitiate pa ko eh. Agh.

Ngayon lang talaga ko nakaramdam ng matinding takot na tumandang dalaga. Panicking. I want to have children too, and this is another problem. I have vaginisismus, wala pang nakakapenetrate sakin ever. I have to deal with this first..

I grew up in a loving home, my parents have a #couplegoals relationship and i want that. And im terrified that the one who i could have that with, no longer wants it with me. Bakit ba kasi di pa naiimbento ang teleport?? Kamon gais its 2018??? haay. My week has been filled with deep sighs.