I've been feeling bouts of self-hatred and self-doubt, as in intense: for about a month last year I cried myself to sleep -- hating who I am and who I was and who I will become -- it wasn't until I moved to Dumaguete and had other things on my mind that it stopped. I felt it again on my recent vacation to Manila for the holidays, and it stayed with me when I returned back home in Duma.

Yesterday I was video editing this lecture about "becoming fully human" and the speaker was going on about how you are undervaluing yourself if you only see the negative in yourself, and how this low self-esteem hinders growth and how this kind of relationship to self is ultimately unhealthy. As a person who takes great pride in my health (my immune system is something I'm so grateful for; I've never been confined in a hospital, fevers last one day tops, I have occasional cough and colds but nothing serious), something clicked when I re-framed this self-hatred as a health issue and not as a crushing failure of my being human. This self-hatred is useless: it doesn't help my productivity, it doesn't help my relationships, and no one cares anyway but me -- this self-hatred rooted in the belief that I've squandered away all my privileges and so I'm an ultimate failure in life -- it's all in my head. No one else believes this. Not one. Only me and my self-pity party. 

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I'm starting an IF diet with a 12pm-8pm eating window. I hope i make it last this time.