Sunday night i asked him, "so are we really going to date other people" and he said no, and asked me (tho jokingly) if i want to move and marry. And i was just so relieved because the whole week after we parted i was in an are-we-committed-or-not limbo (we parted with the notion that we're going to date others, but we were clingy during that whole week after the trip thus the limbo) and when he said those words i felt immediate relief and security, because ibreally didnt want to date anyone else. And i was happy he's on the same page.

Until tonight:

I told him i missed him and wish he was here but he told me we arent going to see each other any time soon, so i should go on tinderdates. And the pang of hurt came sharply and intensely and im jerked towards insecurity again. I reiterated i dont want to date others, that i thought we've settled this, and i asked him, again, if hes going to date others. He said he hasnt planned any dates yet, and that time will tell, and to not think about it. So now im confused, and hurt, and i cant sleep and want to cry but maybe he's right and i should sleep it off (hashing it out right now would probably drive him  away) HAY ANG HIRAP PO. This is a conversation that needs to be done via video chat i think, and if we say our goodbyes then so be it

Naiiyak ako

And here i am planning a europe trip haay buti nalang wala pang anything concrete but im sad, really sad

And shet naiiyak talaga ko