It always hurts me seeing a vehicle full of pigs who are about to be slaughtered. Their skin have cut marks all over them and they're not even dead yet. Why do owners do that? Sometimes I thought maybe I can buy at least 1 pig and save his/her life...

... only to go home and eat sinigang na baboy that my dad cooked.

This feels so wrong. Can someone teach me how to be a vegetarian?

I hate vegetables. T_T

Posted by cinderellaareus on September 15, 2019 at 02:49 PM in 日曜日 | catch a feather

Mom just told me last night that 2 nights back, someone threw a rock the size of a soup bowl to the bus that my brother was riding in. Tinamaan sya sa leeg. Sabi nya ok naman daw si Kuya pero hinihintay pa ang result ng ultrasound. Ang dami talagang gag* sa Pilipinas. Nakakainis. If the rock landed in the wrong place, I could've lost a brother, and my niece a Dad. Nakakapikon. 

Still, I'm just happy that he's not dead.

On a happy note, I just found out that sis-in-law is pregnant. We're having a new baby! It breaks my heart though when Mom told be that my niece was crying when they were joking about it. Sana naman matanggap to ng pamangkin ko. I love that munchkin so much.

Then it goes that my cousins started asking, "si <insert my name here>, kelan?" I wish I know the answer.

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Lumindol kanina. Hindi ko manlang nadama. Pero pinalabas kaming lahat ng building and we stayed outside for about 3 hrs. Feeling ko kung co#3 to, nasa work station parin kami convincing ourselves na walang nangyari.

I was with the rest of the j-speakers nang mapansin ko na malapit samin si Sir P-- the guy from TA na kausap ko lagi nung hinahire palang ako. Yung unang crush ko sa co na to. I was trying not to look his way, pero maya maya, lumapit sya samin at nangamusta. Kwento dito, kwento dun. Nalaman ko na sya pala ang dahilan kung bakit ang laki ng sahod ko. At nalaman ko rin na pare pareho lang ang sahod namin ng mga newly hired j-speakers. Sabi nya, "nilalagay ko talaga yung pinakamataas, sayang kasi e." Grabe, ang bait nya. Gusto ko na talaga sya i-hug kanina. Ang swerte ko dahil sya ang na assign na TA samin.

------

May mga bagay na nagbago sa damdamin ko today. Hindi ko rin alam. Siguro next week, malalaman ko.

His shift will be 10am-7pm. Only 1 hr earlier than mine. Sat-Sun na rin ang rest days nya. And this sched is of his own choosing.

Only 2 weeks left of September though. I wonder what my shift will be by October. Magpapang-abot kaya kami? Bahala na.

Posted by cinderellaareus on September 13, 2019 at 09:23 PM in 金曜日 | catch a feather

1:15 and I still can't sleep.

Yung guy na feeling ko type nya has taken the seat next to him bilang nag resign na si P****. Ewan ko.

When he got to the office, he went to my seat to initiate a convo. I made myself busy with the things I'm busy with outside the office. He took the queue.

Mega kwento sila nung guy na feeling ko crush nya kanina. He's sarcastic most of the time, pero to that guy, mabait sya.

From time to time, pumupunta sya sa seat ko in another attempt to start a convo. Ang hirap. Ang hirap hirap makipag-usap. Hindi ko rin gets. Parang ayoko ng palalain pa to. Pag nakausap ko ulet sya baka mas magustuhan ko pa sya e.

Lagi lagi sa kanya ako nagtatanong pag meron akong hindi alam gawin sa office. May Japanese call na pumasok sa kanya kanina, so Kurt told him na ipasa sakin. The whole time, he was behind me, pero mas pinakikinggan ko si Charlie. When he left to go back to his seat at hindi alam ni Charlie yung sagot sa tanong ko, normally sa kanya ako magtatanong, but I went to ask PM instead. Ang hirap makipag-usap. Ang hirap ngumiti sa kanya. Dati dati never akong umalis ng office na hindi nagbababye sa kanya, pero kanina I skipped mentioning his name and went out and said bye to everyone in general. Heck, I couldn't even say his name.

Siguro iso-sort out ko lang muna tong nararamdaman ko. Gusto ko parin naman syang makasama. Sana kahit paano magawa ko yung friends lang na setup. Sana maayos ko to. Kasi, putek, ilang beses na bang nangyari yung ganito? Ayoko na bumalik sa ganito.

Nalulungkot ako.

Posted by cinderellaareus on September 13, 2019 at 01:41 AM in 木曜日 | catch a feather

As humans, we often lie when we're scared.

I've been lying a lot lately that sometimes I don't know what's the truth anymore.

Itigil na natin to, Z.

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I bought bracelets made of healing stones, one of which is called BOTSWANA. Said this stone is beneficial for overcoming depression and strengthens you at times of grief. Oh, wow.

Posted by cinderellaareus on September 12, 2019 at 09:01 PM in 木曜日 | catch a feather

I'm taking a leave tomorrow to get my backpay from my old co. Leave without pay. Feeling ko mas malaki pa ang mawawala sakin sa isang araw na absent ako dun sa makukuha ko sa backpay ko.

Mom asked na sa kanya nalang daw and I obliged. One month din kasi akong walang sahod and it took a toll to our household's budget. They're going to Metro to get it. I know they're just finding an excuse na makagala. Syempre treat ko ang food. Ok lang naman. All these, I do for them. Pero sana soon, makahanap na rin ako ng way para makaipon.

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I remember the Wounded Puppy. I always remember that person from time to time. The last time, he told me about his frustrations and how his family has to do with it. He also told me about his plans. I love listening to men's plans. It fascinates me. I remember I was also like this with J. 

He was looking at someone from the far end opposite to where we were seated. "Tumataba na si <insert the guy's name here>. Parehas kayo." Iniisip ko tuloy kung type nya ba yung guy. Tinatanaw nya kasi mula malayo. When the guy actually came near him and asked him something, feeling ko nag-iba yung tone ng voice nya. Earlier that incident, he mentioned the word "bisexual" when what he intended to say was "bilingual".

Bisexual. Narinig ko na to. Y used this same word before. Hindi naman sa judgemental ako, pero based on experience, bi's are most likely homo. Pero syempre I could be wrong. And really, why should it matter?

Would you like a puppy to change? I tried to ask myself if I'll mind in case it's true that he's gay, and the answer is "no". So let's give it a rest and let him be.

------

I met LA earlier. Super quick chat over coffee. That girl's shift ends at 12mn. Sinakripisyo nya ang tulog for a quick 30 minutes chika with me.

Ang bait ng Diyos. Binigyan Nya ko ng mga ganitong klaseng kaibigan.

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I'm feeling so tired lately. Feeling ko ang daming demands ng mga tao sa paligid ko, I'm starting to feel rebellious.

Gusto ko ng isang araw na sarili ko lang ang iniintindi ko. Yung may may full peace and quiet. Isang araw lang naman. Pwede ba yun?

Posted by cinderellaareus on September 10, 2019 at 11:02 PM in 火曜日 | 2 caught a feather

September 10 today. In 2 days, 2 months na ko sa company na to. Sabi sa nabasa ko, pag inabot daw ng 6 months at hindi kayo naging friends ng bago mong kakilala, hindi na kayo magiging friends ever. Parang totoo. Sa totoo lang, hindi ako friendly. Hindi ko rin alam kung anong nangyari.

He was introduced to me as "Paul". Pero ang tawag sa kanya ng mga tao ay "PK". He was very friendly, malakas mang asar at umiingay ang office twing dumadating sya.

I was having my training right next to his seat. Pero madalas wala sya dun. Para kasi syang supervisor. Palakad lakad lagi. Madalas mo sya makikita sa kumpol ng mga tao at nakikipagkwentuhan. 

It changed one day though. Nag iistay na sya sa seat nya. He would sometimes help my trainor in training me. Magaling sya magturo. Seryoso sya pag nagtuturo sya. At nagagawa nyang magmukhang simple ang mga bagay na komplikado. Naniniwala ako na ganun ang tunay na genius... those who can simplify things that are otherwise complicated.

Then time went by. Yung training, nasisingitan na ng kwentuhan. Hanggang sa hindi ko na alam kung yung kwentuhan ba ang sagabal sa training or yung training ba ang sagabal sa kwentuhan. Lol.

He often walks around the office para mang asar. Madalas dala yung yung stuffed pillow na lamb ata yun. Ang cute cute nya para syang puppy. Madalas syang tumambay near my seat para mag kwento. Naaliw ako sa mga kwento nya. Ang dami nya kasing sob stories. Para syang wounded puppy. We all love wounded puppy, don't we?

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Ok, wait. Tbc. Dumating na yung ka meet ko. Lol.

Posted by cinderellaareus on September 10, 2019 at 10:04 AM in 火曜日 | catch a feather

"P* is gay."

I overheard someone say this at the office. While I was stressing myself thinking, "shit, bading na naman," bigla kong narealized na, "hey! Crush lang naman. Hindi ko naman sya pakakasalan." Lol.

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Today, I learned that Pe**y's leaving na. By December daw, si P* naman. Marami pa daw ibang aalis. Kapapasok ko lang sa co na to, sila naman aalis na. Nakakalungkot. Pero naisip ko na hindi pa ko regular at marami pang pwedeng mangyari. So... I don't know. Bawal malungkot?

Hayst. Ang daming existential questions. I remember Tim Ferriss said we should ask better questions. Ano kayang magandang tanong...

"Universe, I want to build my own family with a wonderful, loving husband na gustong gusto ko at gustong gusto din ako. Anong pwede kong gawin to make this happen?"

Tim Ferriss, is this a good enough question?

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Kahit tamad na tamad ako I started responding to messages from various dating apps. Kasi anong point ng may dating app accts ka kung hindi mo naman ine entertain ang mga nakikilala mo don? A lot of my friends found their boyfriends--husbands even--sa mga dating apps. So siguro, wala namang mawawala. 

Hindi ba pwedeng yung crush ko nalang?

Lol. Kung sakali bang hindi sya bading, magkakagusto kaya sakin yun? He's 6 years younger. Idk.

Let's ask better questions.

Posted by cinderellaareus on September 9, 2019 at 08:55 PM in 月曜日 | catch a feather

Been sick for 2 weeks. So 2 weeks din akong bitchy. Di ba normal naman yun? Yung hayop nga na masama pakiramdam, pag nilapitan mo, papakitaan ka ng pangil e. Sa mga nasungitan ko, patawad.

Anyway, I'm super fine now. I started going back to the club-related tasks I'm supposed to do. Hindi ko na sinisinghalan ang mga nag me-message sakin. Hahaha. Promise, I'm so much kinder when I don't feel so sick.

It's 10:59pm. I just woke up from a nap a few hrs ago. Right now, natapos ko na lahat ng need ko gawin so far. Well, except for the sched. There's something that Mentor and I haven't agreed on yet. Totoo, I'm the VPE, so it's my call to decide on this matter. But Ivan has been helping me out since I got sick. Ayokong balewalain ang opinyon nya. Ngayong magaling na ko, ngayon ko nari realize na ang salbahe ko nitong mga nakaraang araw. Sya yung madalas mag message sakin kaya sa kanya ko nalalabas yung init ng ulo ko. To think na sya pa yung laging tumutulong sakin. I'm so sorry, Mentor huhu. I feel so blessed that I have someone like him in my life na nagawa akong pagpasenyahan kahit ang salbahe ko. Kung si Gabby siguro yun, baka nag away na naman kami.

From here on, I feel positive na magiging better na rin ang mga bagay bagay sa club.

-----

Work matters...

Well, everything seems to be going well. The salary's high, work load is low and the people are super amazing.

We have a newly hired j-speaker. She's very pretty, and the men here are all over her since she came. Well, I also like the girl. I think she's nice. Feeling ko magkakasundo kami. Hindi pa sila nagkakausap nung crush ko. Sana hindi masyadong obvious ang paglipad ng kilay ko sakaling mag-usap sila ng lagpas 5 minutes. Lol.

But so far so good. I'm loving everything here. Ang bait ng Diyos na dinala Nya ko dito. Sana magtagal ako dito. Sana hindi na rin umalis yung crush ko at yung mga taong malalapit sakin. Sana makasama ko sila ng matagal.

Sighs. Ewan ko. Ilang taon na nga ko? 

Posted by cinderellaareus on September 7, 2019 at 11:22 PM in 土曜日 | catch a feather
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