cinderellaareus

The past few days were emotionally difficult. I was filled with fear and shame, and heck, I couldn't even blame anyone for it, because I knew it was my own doing.

I admit my mistake. I am forgiving myself. I am moving on.

----------

Kahapon, I accompanied Mom to attend to Kuya Jerry's wake in La Loma. The travel was about 3 hours, one-way.

When we got there, Mom's "Tiya" welcomed her with a warm hug. That tiya was her late Tiyo's ex-wife. Like Kuya Jerry, "Tiyo", his late father, also had wives. Mom worked for them as helper and yaya when Kuya Jerry and his siblings were very young. Mom was around 17, and I was born over a decade later. The "kids" (kuya Jerry's siblings) seem to love and respect Mom. Kuya Jerry was 50 and he was middle child. Their youngest sibling is about the age of my brother (41). I think about 1 year older.

When I was younger, we often met at family gatherings. I remember Kuya Jerry often said, "ay, ito yung paborito ko, matalino to e", whenever he saw me. Kahapon, when we were preparing to leave the house, I wasn't thrilled at the thought of having to interact with relatives, and then resolved to thinking na, "ah, makikipag kwentuhan nalang ako kay Kuya Jerry," only to remember na sya nga pala yung namatay.

When we were already settled sa wake chapel, and Mom and Tiya were already chatting, I heard an audible "plop" sound. Then I found that a single flower fell from the funeral wreath. Wala namang hangin dun. Walang gumalaw nung flower arrangement. Ni wala ngang tao near the area. Kusa lang syang nalaglag on its own. It must be a coincident, sure, but I couldn't help but think na, "aba, Kuya, may pa flower ka pa." Coincident or not, I took it as Kuya Jerry's pleasant greeting, and a loving farewell.

Nung pauwi na kami, it was only then that Mom decided to check the coffin. Tapos, pinilit ako ni Tiya to look too, even after Mom told her that I was scared of corpses. She convinced me na hindi naman daw nakakatakot at "parang natutulog lang". Of course, I wasn't convinced. But she treated Mom kindly, I didn't want to embarrass someone as nice as her, so tumingin na ko.

Kagabi, kahit antok na antok na ko, I was so scared of sleeping. I beg God to prevent me from seeing Kuya Jerry on my dream. I mean, I also saw Tita E, a week after she died sa panaginip ko. Though that dream was pleasant, I don't think I enjoy seeing dead relatives on my dreams. I even told Kuya Jerry, "wag ka po magpakita ha." 

I only managed to sleep past 2AM. Thankfully, no dreams of Kuya Jerry on it.

50. I know he could've done so much more. But I also believe that he managed to live a good life. I think reaching 50 is already an achievement considering na 7 year old palang sya e may sakit na sya sa puso. I pray that God will give Kuya Jerry His mercy and forgiveness. May Kuya Jerry rest in peace in the arms of Lord. Kung totoong may langit, sana nasa langit sya.

cinderellaareus

Four is yon in Japanese. And also shi. And shi also means death.

Another relative died today. Si Kuya Jerry. Relative namin on  my mother's side. Kuya Jerry had spent some time sa ICU, then today, pumanaw na sya. Heart and kidney failure. Sabi ni mama e bata pa daw so Kuya e may sakit na sya sa puso. But he managed to live until 50, had wives (yes, plural), had children. Siguro, him living for that long had already been a miracle.

Grabe, sunod sunod ang namamatay na kakilala namin. Hindi pa nakaka 2 weeks nung mamatay si Tita (father's side).

Rest in Peace, Kuya Jerry. He's mom's cousin. Technically my Tito.

------

The company called. Said I'm scheduled for Berlitz assessment tomorrow at 4PM, but until today, wala pang email sa meeting link. Well, they can take their time.

Bahala na. Naniniwala ako na may mga bagay na kahit di mo effortan e kung para sayo, e sayo talaga. So bahala na. The job sounds like it needs some high level of proficiency sa language. I wish I can say na confident ako sa Japanese language skillls ko, kaso hindi kasi talaga.

Basta. Bahala na.

cinderellaareus

I woke up fresh from a dream this morning.

Pagpasok ko sa room ko, na currently in real life e room na ng cats, nakita ko dun si Tita E, my tita who passed away a week ago. Dun sa dream, mejo bago pa yung room ko at walang mga pusa. Pagbukas ko ng pinto, I saw Tita E with her back facing the window, looking at me. Maaliwalas ang mukha nya at medyo humaba ang buhok. She was smiling. The first thing she asked me was, "anong pangarap mo?" To which I answered with, "yumaman". She laugh good-naturedly. She then asked me kung anong trabaho ko. Hindi ko maalala kung ano ba ang sinagot ko dun. Tapos sabi nya, "ako may trabaho na". She mentioned na tinulungan daw sya ni Nene (my cousin na inaanak nya). I was guessing she meant na tinulungan syang humanap ng trabaho. She started searching for her notebook as if to show me something about her job. Kaso, ayun, nagising na ko.

Dreaming of the dead usually scares me, but I was kinda happy when I woke up. Pinagtataka ko lang e bakit naisipan ni Tita na dalawin ako. Mom said, "paborito ka kaya ng tita mo." I never felt that though. She used to give me a lot of stuff. She was an OFW. And everytime she came back sa Pinas, lagi syang may pasalubong. 3 pairs of gold earrings, 1 white gold necklace, 2 gold necklaces (with pendant), 1 gold pendant (without necklace), 1 gold ring, stuffed toy, pabango, small book-- ito yung mga naalala kong gifts na narecieve ko kay Tita bukod pa sa mga chocolates at hair accessories. All the jewelries were real gold and pawnable. Sabi ni mama, ako lang daw sa pamangkin ang binigyan ng mga jewelries. Yung pinsan ko na inaanak nya, hindi daw binigyan. Her reason was that, sakin daw kasi, nakikita nya yung mga binigay yan. The ones she gave sa mga daughters-in-law nya, naisanla na daw. I think she knew though na yung iba sa bigay nya, kahit di namin sinanla, e nawala na. Like, all the earrings e kalahati nalang. I still have the necklaces, except sa white gold one na winala ng kapatid ko. Still, emotionally, I don't think I was Tita's favorite whatsoever.

It could be just a dream. Baka hindi naman talaga nya ko dinalaw. She's been gone for only a week afterall. Pero kahit ganun, I felt reassured na mukhang happy sya dun sa dream. I asked chatgpt to interpret the dream for me, and it said na I have ancestral blessings daw. Yay, I guess.

-----

No contact from the company. I wonder if nagbago na ang isip nila about my application. I hope they'll let me know sooner para makapag start na ko with my other project. Sana nga totoong may ancestral blessings ako. I may not be the most kind-hearted person in the room. Alam kong masama ang ugali ko, and I have terrible temper. But in my heart, I want wealth because I want to give my family and pets a good life. I can live simpler, but that won't do kung meron kang mga taong inaalagaan. Magsisinungaling din ako kung sasabihin ko na I don't want good things for myself. Damn, I love good things. I want to eat good stuff. Visit good places.

Well, I guess I just want to justify why I deserve blessings. I hope my ancestors are really blessing me.

cinderellaareus

Final interview. Next step is Berlitz. Berlitz na naman.

I asked if ano ba yung need nilang JLPT level. E N2 daw. I am only N3. So, I don't really know what to expect. I took Berlitz before, and the results was N3. Will it be any different this time? Sure, pwede akong mag gambatte and try to score higher, pero ano? Pag dating sa actual work, kamote?

Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko nga rin alam kung gusto ko ba to. Their terms are super ideal though. It's a miracle I've gotten this far. 

------

Burial ni Tita E yesterday. Makikipaglibing dapat kami. Nakahanda na yung damit ko. After breakfast, I took a bath. Tapos derecho sa kwarto na nakabukas ang aircon. Bigla akong gininaw. Lumabas ako ng kwarto kung saan walang aircon. I still felt weird. I felt nauseous. Tumitindig din yung balahibo ko. I told Mom and Dad. Thinking na magiging okay rin agad yung pakiramdam ko, umupo muna ako sa my dining area. I was feeling weaker by minutes and the sick feeling was getting worse. I rested my head sa dining table, but it didn't help getting me better. Mom tried to take my BP. Nag error yung monitor. To check if sira lang ba, Mom tried it on herself. Gumana naman. Pero sakin, even after several tries, hindi talaga gumana. Error parin. I was feeling even worse then. It was hard to raise my arm for Mom to put on that clothe thingy of the BP monitor around my arm. Mom said ang putla ko rin daw.

Umakyat ko sa kwarto, turn off the aircon, nag jacket at nag kumot. Ginaw na ginaw ako. Aalis yung karo ng 10AM, it was past 9AM then, so I gave up the idea of going. Magpapaiwan sana si Mama to take care of me, but I told her to go. I knew she wanted to. Sa 3 nights na naglamay for Tita, we were there every night. I was actually looking forward na makipaglibing 'coz that was the rare time na makikita ko yung mga kamag-anak namin na hindi ko usually nakikita. Tokwa, nagkasakit pa ko. Only Mom and Dad ended up going.

I described my symptoms to chatgpt. Sabi nya e THERMAL SHOCK daw. By the time na nakabalik na sila mama galing sa pakikipaglibing, I was wearing 3 layers of jackets, 2 layers of fluffy blankets, tas naka medyas at pajama pa ko, pero giniginaw parin ako. I asked mom to give me hot drinking water. After kong uminom, medyo nawala na yung ginaw, and after about an hour, pinagpapawisan na ko.

Feeling ko tuloy, hindi ako pinasama ni Tita sa pakikipag libing. Or baka nagkataon lang. Okay lang din.

RIP nalang po, Tita. I know you're in a better place na.

------

Hindi ko maintindihan kung anong nararamdaman ko. Malulungkot ako at mag-aalala kung hindi ko makukuha ulet ang work na to. But at the same time, I don't feel thrilled about going back to the corporate world.

Gabayan at pagpalain sana ako ng Langit.