I am so ashamed, I want to leave and live alone.. Prove to myself that I'm a capable huaman being, and an independent one at that. I want to hold a job and be responsible enough to do things timely,  do the laundry, cook and clean the bathroom.. all while earning a salary and finishing my thesis. I think I'll be okay, as long as I have a laptop and internet access. There's google to teach me how to do.. things. Like cook.   Sobrang nahihiya na ako.. Kanina nga nagbrowse na ako ng mga boarding house sa Manila. Hm with my lifestyle I need a 15k-salary ob or higher. I want to go full time but thesis is, as usual, a thorn in the plans. I do not want any parental support anymore, financially, emotionally, whateverally. Even for thesis. But with my brother being diagnosed I doubt they'll let me leave, they probably need me here. If they do, then of course I wouldn't.. Family is family. My complete and utter independence would have to wait.

I just hope it won't be too long. I need this. My time alone, to figure out things for myself. I need self-approbation, I need to be away from the comforts of home that I have known since birth. I want the challenge, I'm ready for that challenge, as soon as I secure a job..

My self-respect is diminishing each day I stay here. I feel useless, I feel like I've overstayed, I feel immature, I feel I need to grow up some. I can't be counted on my word anymore, I'm a disappointment. They may not show it but I know they think it, and that just makes things worse. Plus, they're going to be so much more disappointed - even outraged, perhaps - when they learn..

And they will learn soon. And I never do. Why? What is fucking wrong with me, I used to be a Very Responsible Person. I have let it become a habit. Okay. Okay. Habits can be changed, no use dwelling about regrets..

I have a lot of those. Regrets. A closetful, a universe even. They just keep on expanding. And they are, still, rooted on laziness. And fear. Bad, bad combination. 

I have the perfect life. Everything's been given to me. Anyone else in my position would be totally, completely awesome, yung Anna Oposa level kind of awesome. And yet I'm not, and it's my fault, yes. But I'm not dead yet, I still have that - possibilities. Yes, that's it. I'm going to end now, on a positive thought. God knows how long that lasts.

Posted by chronicwind on October 7, 2011 at 12:58 AM | catch a feather
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