Why am I always so hesitant? To share myself, to share my work, to give love the best i could. To face what i really want...

I told him I didnt want kids (he wanted two). I left it at that, but i should have expounded: that i love kids, but i recognize the immense responsibility it brings - the herculean effort to raise  a person to be competent, to be kind, to learn how to love and to accept love is such a huge task i dont think the current me is up to it, or if im ever going to be up for it. It scares me that i wont be a good mother, that id be selfish and neglect my kids, that i would make a simple mistake - forget to unplug the fan or something -and they'd end up dead, because im not a good enough person. Im terrified that despite all my privileges I will fail at the one most important job id yet to have: parenting. And so if i ever decide to have a child i'd want to be the best i could be (but then no one really knows if theyre ready, theyre all kind of winging it but the thing is, i put myself in a high standard i couldn't just wing it), and i want to raise them with a partner who's all for it too.

To share your desires is to share your fears, and i dont because it engulfs me, it paralyzes me. I choose the easy way out: avoid the fear by letting go of what i really want. And this is why I suck at communicatuon, I leave so many things unsaid just because it's difficult to share, to admit that youre human.

Vulnerability is strength, I have to remember that.


Ayan dami nanaman sinulat ni madam, hurt kasi

Posted by chronicwind on May 3, 2018 at 05:06 AM | catch a feather
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