still reeling from last weekend's perfection. <3

I'm highly depressed today, and i don't know why. It's such an irrational depression and it hurts so, so much. UGH. I feel guilty; i really don't have anything to be depressed about but here I am, having bouts of spontaneous crying. It's frustrating because I don't know why! I just had an awesome weekend and should feel highly fulfilled, but instead I feel empty. Is it because I have nothing to look forward to anymore? Or did I not meet my own expectations? Or is it the back-to-reality truth that I have to face? I don't know. Maybe all I need is a really good cry.

That was my first cry this year.

You have no time for depression.

You have no energy for it.

You have no reason for it.

You have to end it.

If this continues, you lose.

Enough.

how ironic is it that i'm procrastinating by reading about time management?

Good job bea. Good job.

schedule, prioritize, and DO.

There are always, always going to be better people than you.

Be awesome anyway.

I want a time machine!

I would go back three years. Three years. And not mess up my life :|

been best friends with them.

been my responsible self and

graduated on time.

maybe i messed me up more than i am willing to admit.

Do I regret it? Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes?

Still, what's done is done, and it frustrates me that what's done are the

stupid, impulsive decisions reached under the stupid, illusionary guise of love.

I am sorry, future!me. I had been so stupid. I ask for your forgiveness.

I'M SCREAMING, AND NO ONE HEARS.

not even myself.

A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

I still keep thinking that when I go to cmc later, I would see you, walking by, shades hiding your eyes. You would smile, I would smile, you would greet me, "Hi Anna B." and I would wave back. And then we would go our own ways; me not knowing that underneath those shades are probably the saddest eyes I would see.

I really admire you, and would like to get to know you better, and now I don't have a chance to. I should've treasured that lunch together, I wished I spent more time listening to you; knowing you. I know if onlys do nothing; but i still really really regret that in all the years we were orgmates, I didn't exert much effort in getting to know you.

I am now pretty bitter towards sir for saying that your concept's too 'out there'; if it was approved, then at least you would've had something to be happy about, and maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't have done it. But now you're the one who's 'out there', out there where we could never interact with you again until our time; out there where you're probably watching us. And when i'm there, I'll force you to explain why. I want to understand why. I want to understand why you let the world lose a great filmmaker, a dreamer, a son, an orgmate, a friend..

You're much more than these, and I know you have your reasons, your ways. If only you listened to Charlie Chaplin's Smile.. but I don't want to dwell on the if onlys anymore. And now I realize, I would never see your smile again, I would never see you wave at me again.

It's sad how many people and moments we take for granted, and how much could change in an instant. I still don't understand, but I'm praying for you. I hope you're OK.

Go make great films in heaven, where I'm sure you've made the lighting better.

I keep on looking at all those messages in your wall. I couldn't write on it yet, because I know that when I do, it's final. No turning back.

I'm still wishing, thinking that this is just an experiment for a prod. Like a survey on how people react to a death and stuff, and then you will pop out, and I will see you again at cmc, or at the media center.

I still need some time. Alam ko hindi naman tayo close but I miss you anyway. If missing means that you want the person to be here, right now! Then I really really miss you.

they don't know what they're talking about! they judge him, as if they knew him. They have no business judging him! What do they know anyway.

I wonder if anyone really knows him. Really, really, really knows him.

I wonder if anyone can really know a person.

I hate that you had a significant impact in my life and you didn't even know that. So i'm saying it to you now. You touched my life, Adrian. In ways I didn't expect. Thank you.

I was reading "If Andy Warhol had a girlfriend". You came, and motioned to the seat next to me. There was no one in it so i nodded yes, go ahead.  I was eating palabok, and, what were you eating - oh god what were you eating? I'm sorry I couldn't remember. We talked about your thesis and the cmc elections. Now I wish I have told you my concept, so that you can comment on it and criticize it. I promise I'll make it the best.

You picked up the book I was reading, and said it was cool. Now I couldn't read it without bursting into tears.

I will forever treasure that moment. It would be the one lunch I will always remember.

 i thought 2012 was the end of the world, but last friday, a part of our world ended.

it's so crescenty. hahaha labo. hey adrian i bet that's youuuu, smiling at us from up there :D

seriously? that was the first time i really really wanted to smoke. To escape reality for a while.. to escape the reality of your absence.

Minsan, nakakainis din mabuhay sa isang panahon kung saan laganap ang teknolohiyang pangkomunikasyon. Walang takas. Walang excuse na hindi makapag-ugnayan, lalo na kung alam naman nilang nasa bahay ka at may phone, cell phone, internet. Wala kang takas.

Nakakainis kasi minsan gusto mo ng katahimikan. Yung walang gugulo sayo. Yung hindi ka pwedeng tawagan, itext, macontact, mapuntahan. Ngunit kahit na pumunta ka pa sa kalagitnaan ng kawalan ay may gugulo parin: ang ingay na nasa loob ng utak mo. Pinepressure ka. Pinagsasbihan, pinapaalalahanan, pinakakaba, pinabibigat ang loob.  Nakakainis. Nakakainis kasi wala kang takas sa sarili mo.

It is in crying that I hope, with every tear released, drops of sadness, of loneliness, of quiet depression would squeeze out of me. But no matter how hard i cry, there is no substitute to the immediate effect of a tight hug - an intimate hug which squeezes out all the sadness and loneliness and leaves me comforted. Safe. Not Alone. I'm terribly, heartbreakingly longing for one of those hugs right now.

When shit happens, always remember that there are some people in deeper shit than you are. Of course, there are also some people in better shit; all people are in some sort of shit anyway so quit making a fuss and deal with it.

every little thing that could make you happy, makes you superhappy!! :D:D:D

you take nothing for granted. haay bulan you look so beautiful tonight :D

On this day of your life, Bea, we believe God wants you to know ... that the weight you carry on your shoulders is much too heavy for one human being.
	Give some of that weight where it belongs, - to God, and have faith that what happens is for the best, whether you understand it or not.

  I trust you.

sadness.

Dear God, I hope so.

I really really really hope so.

I'd rather undergo a thousand break-ups. Or a million. Wag lang po ito, Lord. Please. Wag lang po ito.

Hay Lord. It's killing me now. :(

Iba po talaga ang heartbreak na maidudulot nito. :( pleasepleaseplease po.

well, feeling ko lang yun.

I guess hindi naman talaga ako pwedeng ma-lost, kasi alam Mo naman lagi kung nasan ako.

Hay Lord. Para kang Metrobank. I'm in good hands with you. :D