Currently in a facebook downward spiral comparing myself to friends from gradeschool, highschool and college and checking if i measure up

Sunday night i asked him, "so are we really going to date other people" and he said no, and asked me (tho jokingly) if i want to move and marry. And i was just so relieved because the whole week after we parted i was in an are-we-committed-or-not limbo (we parted with the notion that we're going to date others, but we were clingy during that whole week after the trip thus the limbo) and when he said those words i felt immediate relief and security, because ibreally didnt want to date anyone else. And i was happy he's on the same page.

Until tonight:

I told him i missed him and wish he was here but he told me we arent going to see each other any time soon, so i should go on tinderdates. And the pang of hurt came sharply and intensely and im jerked towards insecurity again. I reiterated i dont want to date others, that i thought we've settled this, and i asked him, again, if hes going to date others. He said he hasnt planned any dates yet, and that time will tell, and to not think about it. So now im confused, and hurt, and i cant sleep and want to cry but maybe he's right and i should sleep it off (hashing it out right now would probably drive him  away) HAY ANG HIRAP PO. This is a conversation that needs to be done via video chat i think, and if we say our goodbyes then so be it

Naiiyak ako

And here i am planning a europe trip haay buti nalang wala pang anything concrete but im sad, really sad

And shet naiiyak talaga ko

If it doesnt work out

Its not for me

Why am I always so hesitant? To share myself, to share my work, to give love the best i could. To face what i really want...

I told him I didnt want kids (he wanted two). I left it at that, but i should have expounded: that i love kids, but i recognize the immense responsibility it brings - the herculean effort to raise  a person to be competent, to be kind, to learn how to love and to accept love is such a huge task i dont think the current me is up to it, or if im ever going to be up for it. It scares me that i wont be a good mother, that id be selfish and neglect my kids, that i would make a simple mistake - forget to unplug the fan or something -and they'd end up dead, because im not a good enough person. Im terrified that despite all my privileges I will fail at the one most important job id yet to have: parenting. And so if i ever decide to have a child i'd want to be the best i could be (but then no one really knows if theyre ready, theyre all kind of winging it but the thing is, i put myself in a high standard i couldn't just wing it), and i want to raise them with a partner who's all for it too.

To share your desires is to share your fears, and i dont because it engulfs me, it paralyzes me. I choose the easy way out: avoid the fear by letting go of what i really want. And this is why I suck at communicatuon, I leave so many things unsaid just because it's difficult to share, to admit that youre human.

Vulnerability is strength, I have to remember that.

....

Ayan dami nanaman sinulat ni madam, hurt kasi

Cant have mediocrity without 'me'

We ended it

Cue hagulgol crying at inappropriate times

Ah well, i dub this year as "break your heart as much as possible year"

And for every time i break my heart

I will carry all the pieces

Upgraded, molded, transformed into a stronger, more resilient, but also more open one

Ready for the man i will choose to love every day

We still talk. He insisted on it actually, gusto ko sana siya i no contact pero narealize ko di ko rin pala kaya. In fairness siya lang di ko kinaya. Mega bongga iyak ako nun thinking na never na siya magmemessage if i dont message first, pero siya rin naman tong nagiinitiate at may mga hint of landi pa, so patol naman ako. I find it comforting actually, na we still talk. Bahala na si future self ko magdeal with the pain pag nawala na ang communication nang tuluyan...

At this point im so scared I'll end up being alone. Gusto ko ng pamilya tbh. Pero ayoko maging single mom (nothing abt single moms, ang galing galing nyo) huhu gusto ko may katulong ako sa pagpapalaki ng bata, at gusto ko rin talaga ng makakasama sa kama at pagbubuhusan ng pagmamahal (na pisikal hahahaha) haay. Ive never been terrified of singlehood like this, i guess siguro papalapit na talaga ko sa 30s and eto na naman, saan ba kasi hahanap ng parang siya but local? Or magmove na nga lang kasi kaya ako dun? I really need a shake up in my life din naman... but then naiisip ko what if gusto ko lang siya kasi ayokong maging mag isa? Yung for the sake nalang na meron akong makasama period. I mean, i like this guy. A lot. A whole damn lot. But. Feeling ko ayoko siya i-let go kasi ifface ko nanaman yung reality na i'm super alone again and have to go through all that dating stuff and theres comfort if nanjan siya (even if 11000 kilometers away..), i wouldnt have to face the reality so soon. But this is not sustainable, i know. Im probably just making it harder for my future self. 

I can sense na nagddwindle na rin interest niya. We have just been talking through measenger ever since we parted, di pa kami nagvideo chat at all. Well its not really our thing naman, pero wala na rin naman naginitiate. Hintayin ko lang birthday nya, i want to make him happy in a way sa birthday niya. And then lets see. I should enforce the no contact na talaga. To myself. Kanina naginitiate pa ko eh. Agh.

Ngayon lang talaga ko nakaramdam ng matinding takot na tumandang dalaga. Panicking. I want to have children too, and this is another problem. I have vaginisismus, wala pang nakakapenetrate sakin ever. I have to deal with this first..

I grew up in a loving home, my parents have a #couplegoals relationship and i want that. And im terrified that the one who i could have that with, no longer wants it with me. Bakit ba kasi di pa naiimbento ang teleport?? Kamon gais its 2018??? haay. My week has been filled with deep sighs.

Ginago na naman ang Pinas ng mga gago, part 8472716

He's online

Its 2:15

But he's not replying

And im lonely

Im lonely

Im lonely

And the country is in deep shit

And im lonely

Im lonely

Im lonely

Im lonely

And im horny 

And i dont know what to do

And ibjeed ro get up in 3 hours

He was sick yesterday, and it made me feel useless that im not able to take care of him physically, just through virtual massages and feel good images of puppies. It hurts to not be able to help (tho he did say that i helped a lot and he appreciated it) but it pains me to not actually be there for him. Im starting to think that he really should date a local, someone who can take care of him when he's sick, he deserves it, but then im selfish and i want him all to myself and i want to be the one to take care of him and this selfishness makes me feel guilty.

Haay ang hirap nga naman po talaga

We were okay for a couple of days, when I posted about us on social media, he was very warm and thankful. But recently I feel like he's pulling back - and it's painful that he doesn't reply anymore to each message, doesn't ask how I am, doesn't initiate a conversation. It makes me feel lonely to the point of crying. Although sabi naman namin we should talk less, this hurts because we were okay naman for the past days. Haay I may be overthinking this pero di na ata siya interested. We really need to have another heart to heart... yung kung break, break na talaga as in no contact. But I'm not yet ready to have this conversation again... patapusin ko nalang muna birthday niya; I want him to have a good one.

Quota na ko sa pag-iyak ngayong Mayo ah

Ok na naman kami, weird. And im relieved. Ang ganda ng gising ko ngayong umaga. Haay i need to stop overthinking thisband just learn to ride the waves

When i started this ldr thing i thought as long as he still wants me, im good, im holding on. But now i think that there are a lot of meh moments that come in waves, times when you feel deep uncertainty, times when you just dont feel like it, times when you want to give up. And ive been feeling this from him: the pull backs, the uninspired replies. But then i think that well, if i really like this guy (and i do) i would be the one to step up, i would be the one to continue, to assure that im still in it, that i want this, that im all in, head to toe, heart and soul. Like, i cant expect him to be the one whose feelings doesnt waver, and my actions cant be just based on whatever feelings he has for me. It doesnt need to be 50-50 all the time, if i have to do more then i would, i should. I want to keep him and its going to be a lot of work, but im willing and thats what's important.

Grabe head over heels in love talaga ko sa taong to ano

After everything, i wonder if

He still sees a future with me

(Im afraid to ask, kasi parang alam ko na ang sagot)

I feel empty

He still wants to date others (a local person) and if it happens, he'll tell me. So for the meantime we're free to landi each other like we're together. Pero ayun, di nga kami exclusive. Kaya ko ba 'to? Nararapat ba 'to? Or just cut him lose once and for all, and deal with the pain now, instead of the (highly possibly) excruciating one a few months for now? Ang bigat sa puso. And a plane ticket is a huge investment ha, better do it now rather than later when nakapagbook na ko ng flights and all. HAAAY. And i think that, if theres a 100 percent assurance na magkakaroon ako ng someone after him, iddrop ko na ba sya now? Coz right now, baka natatakot lang talaga ko maging single forever kaya todo kapit ko sa isang 'to.

To have him, to be with him, to be in a healthy loving relationship with him is a dream; to move to duma and continue life there is also a dream. Neither is the better dream, theyre just different. And they run in two parallel lines that can never coexist, so if i choose one i must drop the other. 

And this state of not choosing is costing me a lot of time. I want to be all in with him but if he's not willing to, if he doesnt feel the same way, kaya ko ba? 

Ano bea, kaya pa ba?

•

•

•

Went to ace water spa and had the most relaxing time!! I did 53 laps and wouldve done more if di pa namin kelangan umalis haha! As in ang saya okay, it was the longest ive swam in years. And i wasnt exhausted at all like i thought i would be!! I realized that when youre in the flow, super relaxed and all, one stroke after another, lap after lap, you go into a meditative trance-like state. Woooh sarap ng feeling grabe. And it helps that ang calm din ng pool and i have a whole lane all to myself. Nasurprise lang din talaga ko na among the aromatherapy pools, the lazy river, and the hydrotherapy 3-sprout massage shower thing, the one i felt most relaxed in was the laps. Ang goal ko nga lang dapat ata is 10, but then i just kept going on and on (and nainspire din ako sa kanya talaga coz 100 laps usually ginagawa nya haha). The human  body talaga never fails to amaze.

Ayun, interesting. Gotta beat his record of 152!!

I have decided on 'no contact', and to put him on messenger's ignore, even if he insisted (and expected) to still talk. I dont think I can think of him just as a friend, it's always going to be something more with him. I dont want to hear about his dates, and ive been reading about open relationships, and i dont think that's for me.

I feel, strangely, at peace. Not hurt. Not lonely. At least not for now. There's a certain sense of calm when you know you've made the right decision for yourself.

Cheers to better days ahead.

Ok so after 2 days I broke no contact HAHA i just realized hindi ata clear yung nangyari and I feel like there was a blurry line between nang-ghost lang ako and nagno-contact, so I messaged him a clear "i care about you but we're looking for different things we can't provide each other right now (security and commitment from him, physical intimacy from me jusqo bakit ba kasi 'to long-distance!!!) so i guess this is goodbye" and what i got was, "this hurts for me too, believe me, keep in touch pls xxxxxxx" so I guess it's clear and that's that.

Sakit ng puso ko pagkatapos pero wala namang iyak, just a throbbing pain which will calm down soon.

Natatakot nga ako na masyado akong kampante, and in a month's time pa magmamanifest yung sobra sobrang hurt. Oh well bring it on; it was a good first half, 2018! 

Naiiyak ako randomly haha kala ko tapos na ko sa gantong phase

it's okay

it's okay

it's okay 

it's okay

 - i cant breathe -

it's okay 

it's okay

it's okay

it's okay

Its getting harder and harder not to message him - i thought as the days pass it would get easier.. i guess it peaks in the hardness scale first before it slides down, slowly,  to easy..

I have to relearn how to be alone and to be okay with it

Today, i woke up feeling okay - refreshed, light-hearted.

This is a good start

Tiwala. Everything is as it should be. (except Pduts, umalis ka na sa pwesto jusko you incompetent misogynist!)

Your decisions will lead you to better things. It has 90% of the time; why would this decision be any different?

Truths I have to be reacquainted with after a breakup:

- life has no guarantees

- people are allowed to change their minds

- words said when in the in-love phase has no bearing on the future, no matter how true they were at that time

- you can be the BEST PERSON EVER, and it still wouldnt matter

- but that doesnt mean you, as a person, are not enough (you are. you still are.)

I felt normal today.

No crying. No heavy heart. There is constant thinking about him though - all good memories. I still kept wondering whether i should've chosen differently, or how i couldve worded my break up message better. Whether we're still going to see each other someday, whether we'll keep our countdown or we'll be complete strangers in a year's time.. whether i shouldve gone all in when he was all in, or whether i did everything right, with the information i have? Would i have kept him, some way, somehow, or no matter how hard i try he will still want to date others? Should i have expressed my desire to move to him sooner, or

It's no use. 

Im actually suprised these questions do not make me break down crying.. just normal thoughts running through my head, without answers. And i feel okay

Okay is good

Backslid today, i was doing great until i browsed through my phone's gallery where he's there, we're there, and all the photos, selfies i took just to share with him my day... 

pangs of pain and hurt and i almost cried.

masakit parin pala